Hat Rant!!!!

I like hats. Why do people feel it is OK to take someone’s (i.e my) hat off my head and put it on their own (delete as appropriate) greasy, sprayed, gelled or even clean head of hair? It is NOT ALLOWABLE. If I extrapolate the situation, it could result in rioting in the streets, as total strangers vie with each other to experiment with their own self image, denuding people of their garments and exposing them to the vagaries of climate, and the possibility of public humiliation. I am currently soliciting signatures for a petition to introduce the death penalty for Spontaneous Headwear Theft . . . hatnapping, if you will, as I feel that an acronym may lead to a certain lack of credibility. I trust I can count on everyone’s support. (Though please understand I am speaking figuratively — I do not wish to be flooded with surgical appliances awaiting algebraic inscriptions.)

I personally would introduce corporal punishment for those who wear baseball caps back to front and a punitive period of community service for those who wear them at 90 degrees… with a sliding scale according to the angle of deviation.

In order to fund this clearly valuable initiative, I will soon be offering for sale a collection of headwear-based humour entitled ‘Hatpuns’.

I’m also considering campaigning against Pathletics…. people who wear ‘sports wear’ with no intention of taking part in sporting activity . . . e.g. people ‘sporting’ trainers whose most ambitious sprint is to the January sales.